I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
