i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
