my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
