I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
