im about as happy as oj after his trial
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
