I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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