nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
