I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
