So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this will be a night to untag.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
