"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
