I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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