I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I skipped work to stalk him.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
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We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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