I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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