I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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