Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
