you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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