We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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