how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
