so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
