so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
