Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
