Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
