Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
that may or may not have been my penis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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