The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
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Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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