Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
