I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just threw up on my dentist
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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