he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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