I haven't been this sober since birth.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
