9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
