I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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