I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
