You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
