Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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