New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
