I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
