She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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