Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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