you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
