In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
