you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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