also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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