My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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