You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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