FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
