i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
