I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
