Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
