I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
