I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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