i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼‍♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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