Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
