im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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