Your face is a jimmy john
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
